An Altered Vision
by JDLei
Summary: A talk between friends, and a push in the right --and wet-- direction. [implied yamachi]


**Summary:** Koushirou is facing a dilemma, he's tired of being the one his friends go to when they need some scientific advice, but when one of his close friends needs his help in matters of friendship, is he willing to review his previous thoughts and help him out? //implied yamachi, sort of//

**An Altered Vision**

**By ****JDLei**

There are some lessons you learn rather late in life. Lessons that, for your own good, you should learn early. Lessons that help you avoid problematic situations and, to put it bluntly, make you avoid the shitty part of life. The part of life that makes you feel pain, that makes you cry, that makes you hate everything and everyone and every single circumstance that ever dared present itself to you with negative intentions. I'm in the beginnings of my life and I don't think I'm even near to gaining knowledge of what those lessons are. Sucks to be me. 

_I'm too unemotional for my own good. Tend to keep everything inside. And I find that the only way I can fully open myself up to anyone is by means of that electronic devise we affectionately call a computer. I'm no good with expressions either. I'm also too analytical, too systematic. That's what I think. It's not like those are necessarily bad qualities, but when talking about love it's better to approach the subject with the heart and not the mind. _

_Not that I was talking about love in the first place. Just saying. I don't know anything about love, and don't think I will either anytime soon. I don't hate myself, nor do I think I'm not worthy of anything or those things that come with bad self-esteem and such to believe I won't ever find love, but it's improbable. And you can rest assured I don't have a superiority complex either. It's just that sometimes I find no one really understands me. Most of the time I don't understand myself either, so it's really pointless what I was talking about. _

_I don't know where all of this came from, all this babbling nonsense. I haven't said much, I don't know, I haven't read through anything I've just written now, but I don't think I've said much. Haven't revealed much about the inner workings of my being. Still, I feel empty now. Maybe I felt empty before as well. I don't remember. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I remember ever being whole. Does anything of this make sense? Does being contradictory mean I cancel myself out?_

_I have two excellent parental units; they are wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Others would think I'd want to find out who my biological mother and father are, but I don't think I feel empty because of that. I don't think I need to know who they are, or who they were, to feel complete and sure about myself. I don't think I need to find a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever to fill that spot either. I don't know. _

_I'm not sure.  _

_And that bothers me because I've grown used to knowing things about me. To knowing how everything in me works, why I feel this, how to react to everything. But, no one understands this. Everyone seems so happy, so sure about what they want. Everyone acts stupid and childish and sometimes a bit to immature for their age -- my friends that is. And I know you can't judge a book by its cover, but they give me no reason so think otherwise. And if they know about this, or feel the same, then I don't know about it. No one tells me these things. I'm always the logical guy. The person to go to when something *electrical* or *not human* or something to the likes of that needs to be repaired and fixed. Mr. Handyman._

~~~

Rain poured down angrily over the busy district of Odaiba covering the view with giant droplets and a thick mass of mist. It was early winter, and the first break of snow had come and gone, and was showing no inclination of coming back anytime soon. The wind blew fiercely, howling and moaning, and windows rattled and the force of it constantly pushed the poor souls that wandered by foot out of their course. 

For one teenager, it was the escape he needed from the quietness of everything that surrounded him. So his satellite cable didn't work in this weather, it didn't matter. He loved the rain, and loved the detachment it brought as well. To he took the moment as a time to do nothing. He lay, seemingly boneless, over his bed, the only signs of life being the steady rise and fall of his chest with every breath he took.  

Winter holidays had started, and though he still had homework to complete to deliver when school began again, he wasn't up to completing the geometry assignment his teacher had given as coursework. His mother and father were out, and by the looks of it, were due later than planned, as they were probably not going to risk an accident by driving in such conditions.

Sill, he was surprised when minutes after almost falling asleep, the phone rang. 

Still face down on the bed, he lifted one arm and blindly reached for the receiver nearby. He pressed the power button and placed the phone near enough for him to listen and talk without actually having to change his position. 

"Hello?" he mumbled. 

It was his private line, so anyone calling would automatically know it was he, therefore he didn't bother with proper phone protocol. 

"Koushirou, sweetie, its mom."

"Oh. Hey, mom." He said, lifting his head up and blearily opening his eyes. 

"I just wanted to let you know that your father and I are going to be a little late tonight. There's some food in the fridge you can heat up if you want more to eat. Are you going to be okay there alone? I can call Mrs. Kayo if you want." She said quickly. In the background, he could hear the mingled sound of voices and laughter and loud music. An adult party.  

"I'm fine. And no, you don't have to call Mrs. Kayo. I'm sixteen. Everything's okay."

"Wonderful." She said, and he could almost imagine the smile on her face. "Well, I'd best be leaving. Take care."

"You too, bye." He said before hearing his mother's voice say something before hanging up. Once he heard the dial, he closed the phone and let his head drop back down over his pillow. There was nothing more to do but sleep. So he closed his eyes and tried to do just that. 

He was woken up about half and hour later when a hard, constant knocking sound stirred him out of his sleep. The pounding was incredibly loud considering the rain was still hard at it, and he could hear the knock as clear as if there were no other sound but that. He stood up from his comfortable spot, and walked slowly towards the sound. 

It didn't occur to him to think that a constant knocking at such an hour – 11pm – was not usual. His parents weren't due for a long time, especially after calling to say they were going to be late; and though he was sixteen, he wasn't prone to receiving guests at this time of the day. Still, once he reached the door, he didn't even bother asking who it was and opened to see for himself. 

The older boy standing in front of him couldn't be more soaked if he threw himself in a pool and waddled there for hours. His clothes were stuck to him, as was his hair, and he was shaking from the sheer coldness of it all. He was wearing a thick coat, but it, too, was drenched in water. The sight awoke Koushirou from his stupor and he quickly shoved his friend inside. 

"Wha-," he started, "What are you /doing/? What do you /think/ you're doing? Stay here." He spoke out quickly and left his shaking friend, while he quickly searched for some dry towels and a warm blanket. He came back with everything and found that the brunet had followed his words to the very core. He was still in the exact same spot, with the same bewildered expression; as if he had no idea where he was or how he had arrived there. His stillness was quite unnerving considering the previous knocking sounds were bordering on desperate. 

He helped the other boy out of his coat, and after leaving him only in his normal clothes handed him a dry shirt and pants that would surely fit him. The other boy went into the bathroom and came out only a few minutes later, dressed, and quietly went to sit on Koushirou's bed. Koushirou placed the blanket around his still shaking body, and sat down next to him. 

"What's wrong, Taichi?" the words left his mouth as soon as he sat down, and he had expected another response from the usually loud boy than the one he was given – silence. He stared at the older boy for a few more seconds, then, quite unusual for him since he tended to fret a lot when one of his friends was in trouble, lay down, face up, on the bed. 

The room was silent but, for their out of synch breathing, and the pounding of the rain and occasional thunder, and it remained that way for a while. Koushirou didn't know what to do; he knew what he /wanted/ to do – slap Taichi out of his trance – but he was a logical guy. And that thought was one that made absolutely no sense. 

"Tai?" he spoke up. He was worried, and the concern in his voice was almost palpable. "Tai, say something." When the other boy failed to respond, failed to show signs that he was not a statue, Koushirou – ignoring all common sense – did the only thing that occurred to him. He sat up, and leaning close to his friend, started poking him. 

Taichi has once spent the entire day ranting about how much he hated it when people poked him. He said it reminded him of a dream he once had, where he had been interned in a mental facility and there was a drooling man that wouldn't stop poking him. After that, anytime someone even began to poke him, he would immediately slap the hand away. 

After about seven pokes, Taichi turned to look at him and grabbed the red-haired boy's wrist. "Stop it." He spoke. His voice was a bit choked, and it was then that Koushirou noticed that his eyes were red, a sure sign that he had been crying. 

Taichi acting all crazy and secretive and walking in the rain at night was one thing. Taichi acting all crazy and secretive and walking in the rain at night – _while crying –_ was a completely different thing.  Though mostly a drama queen, if there was one thing Koushirou could bet Taichi almost never did, was cry. In fact, he couldn't even remember a time in which he /had/ seen his older friend cry before. 

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he asked simply, not even trying to persist with the poking. He had wanted Taichi's attention, and now that he had it, it was enough. When the boy didn't answer, however, he tried a different question. "Does your mother at least know you're here?" 

When he didn't receive any answer for that as well, something he took for as a no, he tried to stand up. Tried being the keyword, since Taichi hadn't let go of his wrist yet.  "Let go Tai, I'm going to call your mother to tell her you're here so she doesn't worry." 

Taichi let go of the other boy's wrist, and as he saw him pick up the phone spoke quietly. "Doesn't matter, she thinks I'm at Yamato's anyway." His words made Koushirou turn off the phone and place it back on the receiver. 

"You were at Yamato's?" he said. 

"That's what I said, wasn't it?" Taichi snapped. 

At his words Koushirou frowned. "Don't snap at me. I've no fault in any of this, got it?" His tone was a bit harsh, and he noticed that when Taichi flinched as if he'd been hit. 

"Sorry." The brown-eyed boy apologized. "I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. Its just… sorry." He repeated. 

Koushirou nodded, but remained silent. Taichi's earlier words came to mind, and that only deepened his frown. If he was at Yamato's before, and had come here later –crying- it only meant one thing. They had a fight. And though the fights between the Bearer of Courage and the Bearer of Friendship were famous in that they were explosive, only something completely serious could ever elicit the reaction that Taichi was now expressing. Now all Koushirou had to do was draw out the action to it from the chocolate haired boy. Something that, though he knew would be good to work out with the other boy, he didn't want to be a part of. Not after he had understood that of all the things he was feeling at the moment, what he felt the most was used. Used by everyone, even his friends. But as he looked at Taichi's dejected form, he couldn't bring himself to say no and not help. 

"Want to play the new computer game I downloaded the other day?"  He suggested. 

Taichi looked up at him and said, "Does it involve logic?"

Koushirou shook his head. "No common sense. Just senseless shooting." 

At that Taichi forced a small smile and stood up. He was a bit unsteady on his feet, but walked towards the computer chair and waited for Koushirou to look for his laptop. They were going to hook it up by network and fight against each other. It was the perfect thing to distract his friend for the moment, at least until he prepared his questioning list in his head, or the other boy decided to tell what happened. 

~~~

The older teen had an unfair advantage in the game; it being that whatever he was feeling was fuelling his skills. And so after Koushirou was beaten for what seemed like the millionth time, he pressed the pause icon and looked at his friends' back. 

"Do you want to continue playing?" 

"No." Came Taichi's quick answer. During the amount of time they had played, only two things changed. Taichi's outward attitude, now he looked almost as he did every day, which quite unnerved Koushirou since he knew there was something wrong with the other boy; and the time, which was now bordering on 1am instead of the 11pm of before. The rain outside was still the same, if not worse; and Koushirou still had no idea how to approach the subject. 

Taichi, however, seemed willing to talk, for he turned the chair around, and faced Koushirou. Once he did, he looked down at his hands and asked a question that, were he not attentive to what the other boy was going to say, he would've just imagined it was something he had thought. 

"Don't you sometimes feel as if you're falling behind and everything and everyone is way ahead of you? And when you try and try to catch up, it's exactly when someone else steps on you and you end up farther back than before?" 

Koushirou opened his mouth in shock and tried to say something – anything – but his mouth and brain never reached that level of coordination in time, and Taichi continued speaking. 

"You probably don't feel that way, I mean, you're smart and everything." He added. "Besides, that only has to do partly with what happened tonight."

Koushirou wanted to know more about what Taichi felt about being left behind, but sensing that was not where his friends' problems lay, asked another question instead. 

"What happened tonight?" he asked cautiously, not wanting the other boy to back out. But that was not was Taichi was thinking of doing. 

He scoffed and wrapped the blanket more securely around him.  "Yamato kissed me, _that's_ what happened tonight." The scoff and the tone spoke differently than his actions, however, for when he said those words, the Bearer of Courage began to shake slightly. As if he were scared of what those words implied. 

Those words shocked Koushirou for the second time in as many minutes, and the only thing he could even think to say was, "And you _left_?" The brunet didn't have a chance to explain himself, as Koushirou wasn't done talking. "H-He kissed you and you left? Taichi, what were you _thinking_?"

"What was _I_ thinking? What was _he thinking, is what you should be asking, that is.  I mean… I'm not the one who decided to kiss his best friend."_

"Would you just listen to yourself?" Koushirou broke out, disbelief etched clearly in his voice, "Are you even processing the words that are coming out of your mouth? Taichi, how must _he_ be feeling?"

"I don't care what he's feeling–"

"Of course you care what he's feeling, you wouldn't have reacted that way if you didn't care!  He's your _best friend!"_

"Why don't you think for a /moment/ about what /I'm/ feeling, huh? I came here because I thought you'd understand." By this time Taichi was holding the blanket so hard his knuckles were turning white, and angry sparks were visible in his eyes.  

"You thought I'd understand?" Koushirou spoke, his cool more than a little altered, "What do you mean by that? Why in heaven's name would /I/ understand?" By the time he was done with that sentence, Koushirou was standing in front of the other boy, his stance showing everything around him his displeasure at having this conversation. 

"Yes, Koushirou, I thought you'd understand. I thought you'd be able to help me with this, sorry if I was mistaken." Taichi then stopped and shook his head. "And why are you so upset about this? It's not like I'm talking about you."

"It's /because/ you're not talking about me. Tai, you simply don't do things like that to your friends. You just don't." he added firmly when the brunet opened his mouth to continue speaking. 

"And what was I supposed to do?" Taichi said almost desperately. "What was I supposed to /do/!"

Koushirou took a deep breath and tried to calm down. It would do them no good if they both lost their head at this. This had to be treated carefully. He sat down cross-legged on the floor and looked up at the older boy. 

"I don't know." He finally said, when Taichi's jagged breathing became too overwhelming. "But you shouldn't have left."

"I know." Taichi whispered dejectedly. 

"At least you didn't leave him alone there." The bearer of Knowledge said standing up. When the brown-haired boy didn't answer, Koushirou's eyes widened. "You left him there, alone." He stated. 

"Taichi, get up." He said then, his tone firm, voice never rising more than it normally did. When the other did as told, albeit reluctantly since he didn't know what to expect, Koushirou looked for an impermeable coat I his closet. It was bright orange and on him looked quite big, but he figured it would fit the other boy. 

"You have to go there." Koushirou said when all Taichi would do was hold the coat in his hands. 

"Now?" Taichi questioned, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The rain was still pouring as hard as it had when he arrived, the wind still howling and moaning as if in protest. 

"If you risked coming here, you can risk going back." He stated quite logically. "It won't kill you, the most you'll get is a cold, maybe even pneumonia. But there's a cure for that if treated fast enough. I'm sorry you have to walk there in this condition, but it's for the best." He spoke so calmly, so surely, all Taichi could do was listen. "And after you get there, a bit wet but I'm sure overall you'll be okay, you're going to apologise or something. And you want to know why?" he asked quietly.

"You're going to apologise because you don't throw away a lifetime of friendship over something as inconsequential as a kiss. I won't let you do it, Taichi. You said you needed my help, we'll this is all the help you're getting. And I hope you appreciate it, and take heed of it because if not you're going to lose more than just a Yamato's friendship here. You're going to lose a part of yourself. Now go." 

By the time he had finished talking they found themselves standing next to the front door. Taichi, looking at Koushirou with something akin to awe, as if the smaller boy were something he could not quite comprehend, and Koushirou looking at the other boy determinately. Taichi silently handed him the blanket, and putting on the orange coat looked back at Koushirou. 

"I-I." He started then shrugged when no words would come. "Thank you." He said. It sounded more like a question, as if he wasn't sure it would be taken, but Koushirou nodded. 

"Don't thank me now, just go."

Taichi took hold of the handle and opened the door, strong gusts of wind making its way inside messing his hair. Without another word the taller youth walked out of the apartment and into the shady night. 

As soon as the other boy stepped out, Koushirou closed the door, and leaned heavily over it. He hoped he had done the right thing, but there were some things he couldn't fix. It was not his place to say what was to happen with those two. They had to figure it out for themselves. 

Looking at his watch and finding it was later than he thought, he headed towards his room. He hoped sleep would come. He didn't want to think of the thoughts that would plague his mind if it didn't. 

But sleep did come. And with it came not a trace of malady.

~~~

When the ginger haired boy awoke, he opened his eyes to a rather hoary morning. It seemed somewhere during the wee hours of the day it had started to snow. Something that made him smile, since he was so sure they wouldn't have any until further into the wintertime. 

His next thought was one of alarm, however, when he remembered the night's happenings. He sat up quickly in his bed, something that caused him a bit of a head rush, but he quickly ignored it, and picking up his glasses looked for the phone. 

It was on the receiver, where he had left it the night before, but something was different. It took him a while to notice that it was the blinking red light signalling there was a voice message for him. 

He pressed the play button from his position on the bed, and heard the usual robotic voice announce that he had one message dated earlier in the morning. He first heard the quiet static before a familiar voice spoke. 

'_Koushirou, it's me…uh…Tai. _

_…Sorry about being so rude last night…_

_…Thanks…and… well, thanks…_

_…Really…'_

The message ended there. He pressed delete and waited for the computerized voice to tell him he had no more messages before shutting off the phone. He was curious as to what had happened after Taichi left his house, but he was not going to look for the answer now. It could wait. 

He slowly stood up, and headed towards the kitchen. If he was lucky his mother would still be there cooking breakfast. 

~~~

_It's quite amusing to me, the fact that I know so little about life. I don't know why it is. But I find it amusing nonetheless. I started writing the all the other times because I simply had nothing else to do. I wrote everything that came to my mind that moment._

_I'm writing now because I want to._

_It doesn't sound as if it were such a dramatic variation between the two; doing something because you've nothing better to do, and doing the same thing again because you felt like it. But it does. It makes all the difference in the world. _

_I was complaining about helping my friends. But I wasn't being completely truthful, and I just figured that out. I thought I was, though. In the beginning._

_You see I like helping my friends. It sometimes makes me mad, because it seems they only come to me because I can help them, makes me feel used. But I know that they don't always come to me for that, and that I should be thankful they have enough trust in me to come to me in the first place when they do. And it doesn't bother me because I know, were I to need help, I could go to anyone of them and they would be there for me. Not because they have to. But because I'm their friend, and they want to help. _

_I didn't have to help any of them. All of those times, I didn't realise I didn't have to help them. But I did. And now that I think about it, I never felt pressured to do it. I always sort of wanted to help because I knew I could. _

_I also complained that they never came to be for anything other than technological matters. And though that is sometimes the case, it is because I'm good at it. And you ask those who know best about something. If I wanted to cook something I'd go to Mimi or Yamato, but that doesn't mean I only want to know that from them. It means they can help me there best._

_How stupid I've been. I may be a genius at some things, but sometimes they really have to hand it to me. _

_This is my final log here. I don't want to continue writing here anymore. I don't feel the same person. Granted, you don't change much in a day, but when your whole perception of things is altered, when you're handed that flashlight of awareness to light the dark tunnel and things don't look so dark anymore… you don't need to complain to a machine. You complain to those who come and complain to you. It's called returning the favour, and I think I'll give it a try. _

~~~

//Notes: This was just something that came to me while I listened to the soundtrack of Final Fantasy IX, please tell me what you think of it. I know it's a bit confusing, but… well, I'm confusing as well, so… :P

//Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or the characters, just the plot. 

//JDLei

jadlei@hotmail.com

www.livejournal.com/~jdlei

©jdlei-2003-2004//


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